“She turned away, what was she
looking at?”—Stone Temple Pilots
Who among us doesn't gaze into the past
every once in a while? Some may do so with love, others with
bitterness. Many dwell there longer than they should. The best visit
briefly with indifference and then return to the moment at hand,
remaining there as long as possible.
Breathing can be a challenge. It's
harder than it looks. There is so much else to demand our attention,
to distract us from what is important.
Something flits by and captures our
imagination. No, it captures our entire being. It pulls us under the
surface and into a desperate realm. We chase the invisible, the
nonexistent. As pursuits go, there are more worthy and more fruitful
than this.
Still, the experience doesn't have to
be meaningless. Things could be worse. For example, you could be
stuck in a dream where you're perpetually sinking into the sidewalk
as your bus repeatedly arrives and then pulls away without you.
Other days the images are less vivid,
which is fine. Dullness gets a bad rap. As a state of being, it's
highly underrated.
What would you do? Gazing into a
bittersweet song that reminds us of a past that maybe never existed
gives us the illusion of vividness. Is this a worthy and fruitful
goal?
The questions grow stranger the closer
we look. Buses keep coming and going without us. We are left alone
sinking in sidewalk, dreaming of better places, reminiscing about
events that haven't happened. It's an awkward place to be, just like
everywhere else in the known universe.
Look, there's my philosophy minor,
twisting in the mind. I could have aimed higher, but what would I do
if it followed? I turned away. What was I looking at?
Everything was sour.
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